alive inside..

to be alive inside..
to live for a reason..
to be sure even when in doubt..
to eat with gusto..
to gulp in fresh air..
to run like there is little time left..
to want to meet people..
to want to know them.. for real..
what i'd not give to be
an enthu bugger again :)

anger is great..
indifference is neat..
to be sucked into the passion..
to be detached and watchful..
to be in the maya and or outside?
I keep vacillating..
drifting in and out..
do i treat you like you are special to me..
or like just another homo sapien..
inhabiting this vast world..
and consuming its resources
and lost in it's schemes like everyone else..

poetry apart.. i have been doing some serious soul searching and i have made some progress.. i think the people i admire most, have all inspired people.. en masse.. to live differently.. to think differently.. my favorites, lincoln, gandhi, buddha, calvin :) all of them.. it didn't matter how foolproof their ideologies were.. or whether you agree with them.. when they change people's thoughts and actions in huge numbers, they change the destiny of mankind in a way..

so the next question is how do i want to inspire people? i can be a soul searcher like a buddha, who ultimately inspired others to change or be a social change agent like gandhi.. or just be a cartoonist like bill watterson and inspire others.. politics, entertainment, seclusion.. anything is alright.. if you find a way to inspire others.. (hitler and al quaeda do it too..) but this thought is interesting, eh?

m

(or like my mother says, give birth to an inspirational person :) )

i feel elated...

that's it.. just wanted to share it.. wanted to see how it feels to share my joy given how all too often i share my doubts and miseries..

its a good feeling.. much like calvin here in the first pic.. no good reason why wapping a nail makes him happy.. it's so funny no..

yes.. feeling elated...

one good reason to live..

i have a meeting in 10 minutes.. for the life of me, i can't work.. i have been reading this link of calvin and hobbes: http://progressiveboink.com/archive/calvinhobbes.htm

and i am undone.. it's superb.. a smart lonesone kid.. and an imaginary friend who accepts him as he is when everyone else wants him to change.. its so superb.. reminds me of all the times my mom used to worry that i preferred being alone than play with friends.. the descriptions by the three men who own the blog is even better..

c&h in my opinion is sheer brilliance.. for transmitting any and every philosophical thought ever possible through a six inch strip featuring a six year old.. oscar wilde can rest in peace..

please please do read the link and enjoy it.. it's so great..

food to eat, book to read..

there is like a distance from one's home.. about 0.5-1 mile (oops.. 1 km.. sorry friends..i do think in american system now)..within which I move around a lot more than 1 mile.. its funny.. there is a trader's joe and a safeway.. a mile from home.. i never go there... but the willows market within a 0.5 mile - i go every day.. but the best part of my home is that there is a library within my 0.5 mile radius.. and i went there today... got doctor zhivago, calcutta chromosome and the kite runner... wow.. i feel like i can know the minds of these individuals in all these corners of the earth.. (corners of a round earth?)

m

to be or not to be busy...

so a couple of days ago, i had dinner with an iranian guy.. a stanford math phd student at that.. and i was talking to him about what to do with one's life (nothing new).. i also told him that i wanted to do a phd so that it will occupy my brain 24/7.. and he had an interesting take on this issue.. he said that if you are not busy, at least you have time to think about what you want to do.. if you are very busy, then you will always have this doubt of whether you are being busy in the right thing or is your life's goal something different.. so, it is better to be not so busy and spend the free time on figuring out what i want to do..

and the next day i had lunch with a old american woman.. and i asked her if she had greater clarity as she grew older on what was the purpose of her life.. and she said "you become wiser in many things.. but never on this one, this one is a tough nut to crack".. and i have been thinking that maybe it all depends on the attitude, you know.. some people don't spend a great deal on such questions.. someone i know acts like he always knew money was the most important thing.. (of course, what is most important to him also changes depending on the conversation we are having at that time.. but the default is you know... money) but yeah, you get the drift..

i think its like happiness.. some people get it, others don't.. its part way doing what you like, and part way liking what you do.. after all Einstein himself admits that its more important to search for truth than find it.. i guess it's all in the attitude.. but still, it's interesting to get people's perspectives on this issue - what say?

hope you guys are all having fun without too much thinking to spoil it..

maalika

PS: did i mention that the guy is cute? :) (and no, he doesn't know about this blog..)

math & maps..

read 2 interesting articles today..

at one point in time - i used to think of math this way.. long long ago before i divorced it all together.. a good article..

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703740004574513870490836470.html

and something equally interesting on maps..

http://freakonomics.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/09/maps-fighting-disease-and-skewing-borders/

enjoy your day..

my guitar..

after so so long.. my wish has come true.. i bought a guitar.. i chose it.. i bought a stand to go with it.. its beautiful.. suddenly my hall looks so much more beautiful.. the green plants (my house is full of plants!!), the softest yellow light and the guitar.. the only bad news for you guys is that i might write so much anymore.. i want to learn this instrument... i tried the simplest of simple tunes this morning from "let me sing you a waltz".. it was magical!!

a very happy...
maalika

it's a good feeling..

my blogs being what they are is usually meant to woo people to connect with me.. it comes from a sort of longing to be heard.. understood.. and somehow when i feel happy and gloriously sated like i do today, i have no words.. and no need to express them.. (the analogy is talking to moms.. i talk to my mom only when i am despondent or when i have nothing better to do.. poor mom.. she is by now used to my selfishness..)

but i still wanted to make an entry, however short, for those who peep in today looking for a minute's entertainment!

good day my friends..
m

passion and me...

after a lot of attempts at getting my courage up, i listened to the feedback i got from my interpersonal dynamics class (while driving my car.. that was the only way i could bear to listen to it).. i was still feeling defensive even as i was hearing it.. but two things stood out for me.. the first one being i am passionate and the second one being that i get to level 5 conversations (meaning, very deep intimate conversation on a personal one on one context) easily with people.. i didn't make too much out of both..

but today, i had lunch with a new friend (of a different nationality) from my company.. she and i have so far just had a couple of lunches, a couple of parties.. that's all.. but today at lunch.. suddenly she was telling me some intimate stuff that she had confided in very very few people in her life.. not her parents, not her close friends.. and we were speaking about it and suddenly she became flustered.. she told me that she never speaks about it and the she did not know how she spoke about it to me and made me promise not to tell anyone.. which i of course won't..

but this experience has happened so many many times with me.. from people of both genders.. where they say stuff and then they are flabbergasted that they did when they know me so little.. and almost always its them confiding and me not.. i am not even a secretive person.. an open book - i am sure all those who know me will agree.. but there are certain things that i don't talk about for whatever reason.. its like i abstract them in my head and thus they are no longer real.. its about the feelings that i had and the person i had become because of it.. and i never remember details.. too many people have been upset with my remarkable lack of any memory power at all.. but i have an extremely strong memory of how i felt with people.. its incredible.. its like all my experiences gets digested and stored in terms of feelings in a meta layer.. its weird..

and then we proceeded to have an interesting conversation where i told her not to judge herself.. and that moralities are a societal need and they cannot protect or violate human emotions.. all emotions are honest.. whatever they are.. there is no shame in that etc etc.. and then here i am now - thinking about it and the feedback i got and trying to understand what it was that enabled a level 5 conversation between us.. i think it is my utter lack of judgment.. i can't and don't judge people for being themselves.. it's why i cry when i read a poem or watch a movie.. i am able to empathize to an extraordinary degree and feel that "yeah, i could have been you" and how can i hate myself? you know.. its weird, but i love it.. when i can connect to real people this way.. and not just in poems and movies..

so net net, it has been a satisfying day for me.. a small positive difference in another person's life.. wow.. how powerful it can make you feel.. it's incredible.. when i came to the US, this is what i missed most.. this human connection.. (and of course my cook in calcutta - he was a real sweetheart) i had to cross the river of cultural difference to get to this point.. but i am glad i have.. i have changed.. i am more accepting now.. and i am glad i am who i am now.. phew!

now i have to figure out who this passionate person in me is.. i don't consider myself passionate.. very rational, emotional (yeah, both, lots of gemini influence).. but always mild and never passionate.. so how did i come to be called "passionate"? i don't know.. let me think about it some more..

maals
(i used to sign this way till someone told me that maalika was so much better.. come to think of it, it does sound teenagerish, isn't it..)

being unique...

a while ago.. i read someone's facebook profile say "About me: i am just your average girl next door" and my reaction was to be stunned.. how can someone describe themselves as average.. don't we all strive to be unique and define ourselves as separate from the rest of the world? since then, i have been spending a lot of my time on this issue of being unique.. one of the biggest disillusionment of growing up for me has been that life is one long lesson that teaches you just one thing: you are as similar as everyone else..

when i see a baby, i see all the possibilities.. he could be a gandhi, or a buddha, or a romeo or a king.. (of course he cannot be a girl - that decision was sadly already made for him) anything.. its all possible.. but with every passing day, you keep narrowing down this range.. education, circumstance, age (and that miserable thing called love which can make you marry and have kids!!) all whittle your imagination down to just reality.. and ultimately when you die - you realize that everyone dies.. no matter how unique they are and no matter what they did!

so having lived a formulaic life so far - school, undergrad, work, marriage, post grad, work again... i feel like i am standing at the edge of a precipice.. where at last i have to decide what to do with the prime of my life..(isn't that what this is? the age of productivity) - i can make my own choices, and i can live by them.. one of the reasons i took up my job, was because i thought i needed time to make this decision.. to find out what what i want to do.. alas, just like everything else.. time is passing.. and i am still unclear.. in fact i am just distracting myself. day in and day out waiting for a sign.. rather than doing something..

i pass every idea through this filter: will this make me unique or not - and then sigh looking at my own ego that wants to do something unique.. but how do i go about it? how do i shake my laziness and do something? wait for a near death experience to shake the living daylights out of me and spur me to action? i dunno.. meanwhile, i shall continue to blog.. and hope that this public/private musing of the aim of my life will bring some clarity..

ellam sivamayam

maalika

a shy post..

so, i like people.. i like spending time with people and trying to understand how their minds work.. it is interesting.. but still, my immediate reaction to a new face is to act as if i have absolutely no business with them.. a lot of people have told me from a young age that the first impression i make is of being very snobbish.. till they get to know me better and realize that i am all hot air mingled with some really loud guffaws..

but i have analyzed this aspect of mine which i fear makes me very unsocial and i suffered in this country a lot because of this.. as the one thing that the US culture does not have is starting trouble.. they are all about hi, how are you doing, great.. isn't the weather fabulous.. and i am all about acting as if they are not standing before me :)!! so my analysis has led me to conclude that i do it because i am VERY self conscious.. of how i will be perceived and my immediate gut reaction to this is to shutter myself out of the prying eyes..

so strangely the last few days, i have been having the same feeling... about my blog this time.. as if someone is trying to know me through my blog.. and my first impulse was to feel defensive and not write at all.. till i realized today that no one really cares.. so why not relieve myself of my urges (the creative ones that is) and let go of this stupid notion and here i go.. a full post; once again about me!

hope you are all able to let go my friends.. like me here :)

m

PS: my friend had this on gchat.. its so hilarious.. that i could not stop laughing aloud in the office.. wanted to share.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSmddhdxvvA&sns=em

these days...

lovely music.. very soothing.. song by jackson browne.. check it out.. when you have the time and the inclination.. or rather when you have the time and no inclination to do anything..

Well I've been out walking
I don't do that much talking these days
These days--
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
For you
And all the times I had the chance to

And I had a lover
It's so hard to risk another these days
These days--
Now if I seem to be afraid
To live the life I have made in song
Well it's just that I've been losing for so long

I'll keep on moving
Things are bound to be improving these days
One of these days--
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten, my friend
Don't confront me with my failures
I had not forgotten them

m