my talisman..

okay - so i was telling someone today that my blog is my talisman to the world.. read it when you feel crazy, coz you will know you are not as crazy as you can be!!

which prompted me to read the gandhi's talisman - which i really love.. so wanted to share..

"I will give you a talisman. Whenever you are in doubt, or when the self becomes too much with you, apply the following test. Recall the face of the poorest and the weakest man [woman] whom you may have seen, and ask yourself, if the step you contemplate is going to be of any use to him [her]. Will he [she] gain anything by it? Will it restore him [her] to a control over his [her] own life and destiny? In other words, will it lead to swaraj [freedom] for the hungry and spiritually starving millions?
Then you will find your doubts and your self melt away."

hope you find either one of them useful :)

m

i feel calvinish..

happy, naughty, frustrated and rebellious all at the same time!!

alive inside..

to be alive inside..
to live for a reason..
to be sure even when in doubt..
to eat with gusto..
to gulp in fresh air..
to run like there is little time left..
to want to meet people..
to want to know them.. for real..
what i'd not give to be
an enthu bugger again :)

anger is great..
indifference is neat..
to be sucked into the passion..
to be detached and watchful..
to be in the maya and or outside?
I keep vacillating..
drifting in and out..
do i treat you like you are special to me..
or like just another homo sapien..
inhabiting this vast world..
and consuming its resources
and lost in it's schemes like everyone else..

poetry apart.. i have been doing some serious soul searching and i have made some progress.. i think the people i admire most, have all inspired people.. en masse.. to live differently.. to think differently.. my favorites, lincoln, gandhi, buddha, calvin :) all of them.. it didn't matter how foolproof their ideologies were.. or whether you agree with them.. when they change people's thoughts and actions in huge numbers, they change the destiny of mankind in a way..

so the next question is how do i want to inspire people? i can be a soul searcher like a buddha, who ultimately inspired others to change or be a social change agent like gandhi.. or just be a cartoonist like bill watterson and inspire others.. politics, entertainment, seclusion.. anything is alright.. if you find a way to inspire others.. (hitler and al quaeda do it too..) but this thought is interesting, eh?

m

(or like my mother says, give birth to an inspirational person :) )

i feel elated...

that's it.. just wanted to share it.. wanted to see how it feels to share my joy given how all too often i share my doubts and miseries..

its a good feeling.. much like calvin here in the first pic.. no good reason why wapping a nail makes him happy.. it's so funny no..

yes.. feeling elated...

one good reason to live..

i have a meeting in 10 minutes.. for the life of me, i can't work.. i have been reading this link of calvin and hobbes: http://progressiveboink.com/archive/calvinhobbes.htm

and i am undone.. it's superb.. a smart lonesone kid.. and an imaginary friend who accepts him as he is when everyone else wants him to change.. its so superb.. reminds me of all the times my mom used to worry that i preferred being alone than play with friends.. the descriptions by the three men who own the blog is even better..

c&h in my opinion is sheer brilliance.. for transmitting any and every philosophical thought ever possible through a six inch strip featuring a six year old.. oscar wilde can rest in peace..

please please do read the link and enjoy it.. it's so great..

food to eat, book to read..

there is like a distance from one's home.. about 0.5-1 mile (oops.. 1 km.. sorry friends..i do think in american system now)..within which I move around a lot more than 1 mile.. its funny.. there is a trader's joe and a safeway.. a mile from home.. i never go there... but the willows market within a 0.5 mile - i go every day.. but the best part of my home is that there is a library within my 0.5 mile radius.. and i went there today... got doctor zhivago, calcutta chromosome and the kite runner... wow.. i feel like i can know the minds of these individuals in all these corners of the earth.. (corners of a round earth?)

m

to be or not to be busy...

so a couple of days ago, i had dinner with an iranian guy.. a stanford math phd student at that.. and i was talking to him about what to do with one's life (nothing new).. i also told him that i wanted to do a phd so that it will occupy my brain 24/7.. and he had an interesting take on this issue.. he said that if you are not busy, at least you have time to think about what you want to do.. if you are very busy, then you will always have this doubt of whether you are being busy in the right thing or is your life's goal something different.. so, it is better to be not so busy and spend the free time on figuring out what i want to do..

and the next day i had lunch with a old american woman.. and i asked her if she had greater clarity as she grew older on what was the purpose of her life.. and she said "you become wiser in many things.. but never on this one, this one is a tough nut to crack".. and i have been thinking that maybe it all depends on the attitude, you know.. some people don't spend a great deal on such questions.. someone i know acts like he always knew money was the most important thing.. (of course, what is most important to him also changes depending on the conversation we are having at that time.. but the default is you know... money) but yeah, you get the drift..

i think its like happiness.. some people get it, others don't.. its part way doing what you like, and part way liking what you do.. after all Einstein himself admits that its more important to search for truth than find it.. i guess it's all in the attitude.. but still, it's interesting to get people's perspectives on this issue - what say?

hope you guys are all having fun without too much thinking to spoil it..

maalika

PS: did i mention that the guy is cute? :) (and no, he doesn't know about this blog..)

math & maps..

read 2 interesting articles today..

at one point in time - i used to think of math this way.. long long ago before i divorced it all together.. a good article..

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703740004574513870490836470.html

and something equally interesting on maps..

http://freakonomics.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/09/maps-fighting-disease-and-skewing-borders/

enjoy your day..

my guitar..

after so so long.. my wish has come true.. i bought a guitar.. i chose it.. i bought a stand to go with it.. its beautiful.. suddenly my hall looks so much more beautiful.. the green plants (my house is full of plants!!), the softest yellow light and the guitar.. the only bad news for you guys is that i might write so much anymore.. i want to learn this instrument... i tried the simplest of simple tunes this morning from "let me sing you a waltz".. it was magical!!

a very happy...
maalika

it's a good feeling..

my blogs being what they are is usually meant to woo people to connect with me.. it comes from a sort of longing to be heard.. understood.. and somehow when i feel happy and gloriously sated like i do today, i have no words.. and no need to express them.. (the analogy is talking to moms.. i talk to my mom only when i am despondent or when i have nothing better to do.. poor mom.. she is by now used to my selfishness..)

but i still wanted to make an entry, however short, for those who peep in today looking for a minute's entertainment!

good day my friends..
m

passion and me...

after a lot of attempts at getting my courage up, i listened to the feedback i got from my interpersonal dynamics class (while driving my car.. that was the only way i could bear to listen to it).. i was still feeling defensive even as i was hearing it.. but two things stood out for me.. the first one being i am passionate and the second one being that i get to level 5 conversations (meaning, very deep intimate conversation on a personal one on one context) easily with people.. i didn't make too much out of both..

but today, i had lunch with a new friend (of a different nationality) from my company.. she and i have so far just had a couple of lunches, a couple of parties.. that's all.. but today at lunch.. suddenly she was telling me some intimate stuff that she had confided in very very few people in her life.. not her parents, not her close friends.. and we were speaking about it and suddenly she became flustered.. she told me that she never speaks about it and the she did not know how she spoke about it to me and made me promise not to tell anyone.. which i of course won't..

but this experience has happened so many many times with me.. from people of both genders.. where they say stuff and then they are flabbergasted that they did when they know me so little.. and almost always its them confiding and me not.. i am not even a secretive person.. an open book - i am sure all those who know me will agree.. but there are certain things that i don't talk about for whatever reason.. its like i abstract them in my head and thus they are no longer real.. its about the feelings that i had and the person i had become because of it.. and i never remember details.. too many people have been upset with my remarkable lack of any memory power at all.. but i have an extremely strong memory of how i felt with people.. its incredible.. its like all my experiences gets digested and stored in terms of feelings in a meta layer.. its weird..

and then we proceeded to have an interesting conversation where i told her not to judge herself.. and that moralities are a societal need and they cannot protect or violate human emotions.. all emotions are honest.. whatever they are.. there is no shame in that etc etc.. and then here i am now - thinking about it and the feedback i got and trying to understand what it was that enabled a level 5 conversation between us.. i think it is my utter lack of judgment.. i can't and don't judge people for being themselves.. it's why i cry when i read a poem or watch a movie.. i am able to empathize to an extraordinary degree and feel that "yeah, i could have been you" and how can i hate myself? you know.. its weird, but i love it.. when i can connect to real people this way.. and not just in poems and movies..

so net net, it has been a satisfying day for me.. a small positive difference in another person's life.. wow.. how powerful it can make you feel.. it's incredible.. when i came to the US, this is what i missed most.. this human connection.. (and of course my cook in calcutta - he was a real sweetheart) i had to cross the river of cultural difference to get to this point.. but i am glad i have.. i have changed.. i am more accepting now.. and i am glad i am who i am now.. phew!

now i have to figure out who this passionate person in me is.. i don't consider myself passionate.. very rational, emotional (yeah, both, lots of gemini influence).. but always mild and never passionate.. so how did i come to be called "passionate"? i don't know.. let me think about it some more..

maals
(i used to sign this way till someone told me that maalika was so much better.. come to think of it, it does sound teenagerish, isn't it..)

being unique...

a while ago.. i read someone's facebook profile say "About me: i am just your average girl next door" and my reaction was to be stunned.. how can someone describe themselves as average.. don't we all strive to be unique and define ourselves as separate from the rest of the world? since then, i have been spending a lot of my time on this issue of being unique.. one of the biggest disillusionment of growing up for me has been that life is one long lesson that teaches you just one thing: you are as similar as everyone else..

when i see a baby, i see all the possibilities.. he could be a gandhi, or a buddha, or a romeo or a king.. (of course he cannot be a girl - that decision was sadly already made for him) anything.. its all possible.. but with every passing day, you keep narrowing down this range.. education, circumstance, age (and that miserable thing called love which can make you marry and have kids!!) all whittle your imagination down to just reality.. and ultimately when you die - you realize that everyone dies.. no matter how unique they are and no matter what they did!

so having lived a formulaic life so far - school, undergrad, work, marriage, post grad, work again... i feel like i am standing at the edge of a precipice.. where at last i have to decide what to do with the prime of my life..(isn't that what this is? the age of productivity) - i can make my own choices, and i can live by them.. one of the reasons i took up my job, was because i thought i needed time to make this decision.. to find out what what i want to do.. alas, just like everything else.. time is passing.. and i am still unclear.. in fact i am just distracting myself. day in and day out waiting for a sign.. rather than doing something..

i pass every idea through this filter: will this make me unique or not - and then sigh looking at my own ego that wants to do something unique.. but how do i go about it? how do i shake my laziness and do something? wait for a near death experience to shake the living daylights out of me and spur me to action? i dunno.. meanwhile, i shall continue to blog.. and hope that this public/private musing of the aim of my life will bring some clarity..

ellam sivamayam

maalika

a shy post..

so, i like people.. i like spending time with people and trying to understand how their minds work.. it is interesting.. but still, my immediate reaction to a new face is to act as if i have absolutely no business with them.. a lot of people have told me from a young age that the first impression i make is of being very snobbish.. till they get to know me better and realize that i am all hot air mingled with some really loud guffaws..

but i have analyzed this aspect of mine which i fear makes me very unsocial and i suffered in this country a lot because of this.. as the one thing that the US culture does not have is starting trouble.. they are all about hi, how are you doing, great.. isn't the weather fabulous.. and i am all about acting as if they are not standing before me :)!! so my analysis has led me to conclude that i do it because i am VERY self conscious.. of how i will be perceived and my immediate gut reaction to this is to shutter myself out of the prying eyes..

so strangely the last few days, i have been having the same feeling... about my blog this time.. as if someone is trying to know me through my blog.. and my first impulse was to feel defensive and not write at all.. till i realized today that no one really cares.. so why not relieve myself of my urges (the creative ones that is) and let go of this stupid notion and here i go.. a full post; once again about me!

hope you are all able to let go my friends.. like me here :)

m

PS: my friend had this on gchat.. its so hilarious.. that i could not stop laughing aloud in the office.. wanted to share.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSmddhdxvvA&sns=em

these days...

lovely music.. very soothing.. song by jackson browne.. check it out.. when you have the time and the inclination.. or rather when you have the time and no inclination to do anything..

Well I've been out walking
I don't do that much talking these days
These days--
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
For you
And all the times I had the chance to

And I had a lover
It's so hard to risk another these days
These days--
Now if I seem to be afraid
To live the life I have made in song
Well it's just that I've been losing for so long

I'll keep on moving
Things are bound to be improving these days
One of these days--
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten, my friend
Don't confront me with my failures
I had not forgotten them

m

before sunset take 2..

this is a movie i have always liked.. sometimes i think its too cliched.. put paris, a guitar, 2 romantics, one a writer and the other a non-profit enthusiast and 9 years between the time they met and the previous time they met, you get before sunset.. but i am seeing it right now and there are two things that i am realizing that i could not have known before.. call it growing up or higher self awareness...

the first is that what they talk is more real than imaginary.. its first inanity, then anger and then lastly joy in each other's company.. its amazing...

the second thing is i am 200% sure now of the ending.. he is going to sleep with her.. there is no choice.. there never was.. i never knew this before.. always thought the choice was with the viewer.. but now i know there isn't.. such are their characters.. they both value life too much to take another chance.. their morals belong in a place that doesn't touch their love for one another..

its interesting.. the take 2.. i wonder if this will change if i gave myself another 5 years :)

maalika

addendum: its not even about their personalities.. there are a lot of romantic people on this earth.. writers, artists, photographers.. yada yada yada.. it's the age that they met and what they thought of each other at that time.. as she says in the movie, over time, we become disillusioned.. and we may love another the best way we possibly can.. but the memory of that intensity.. when you think the sun rises and sets with him/her.. that's what makes it a bond that can only happen maybe once in a person's life.. and cannot be recaptured again.. however romantic the people you meet in the future are.. it is a good movie for capturing this..

being stable..

i have never been a very stable person.. now i wonder why and if it is something that i should cultivate.. i have wondered at people who i think are stable.. what keeps them so? its like a weight that they carry happily.. to me stability has always been synonymous with stagnation or boredom.. maybe that's wrong.. maybe stability is a measure of sanity.. and i am not as sane as i could be?

wow.. scary line of thought.. but something i want to take seriously.. be warned friends, stay away! will let you know when i am stable enough :)

have a good day..

maalika

contradictions..

can't sleep
can't be awake..
can't work
can't sit still..
feel peaceful.
feel impatient..
want to be alone..
want to be with people..
want to be loved..
want to be self sufficient..
want to be moral..
want to err..
want to risk..
want to be conservative..
i enjoy this pain..
am tortured by it..
i want to keep the secret..
want to shout it aloud..
i don't want to write poetry..
can't help it..
don't want to remember..
don't want to forget..
want to close my ears..
am straining to hear it..
the silence is incredible..
the cliches are comforting..
there is novelty..
there is routine..
the music is too mellow..
my heart is too loud..
where my writing ends..
my life starts..

have a good day friends,
m

human evolution...

too many things have been happening in my life.. between being forced to take 2 vacations by my company, searching for truth through jiddu (memories are dead, thinker is the thought and the meditator is the meditation, the end of meditation is meditation itself), contemplating meditating again and focusing on just experiencing, i have been having a full life... incidentally i read a book and saw a movie on surrogate mothers this weekend..

it was interesting.. we are all creatures of evolution.. man takes his role as the provider of the family seriously.. and the woman as the nurturer of the child.. it was interesting to see how strong this bond can be.. i am not sure how romanticized these things are having never been a mother myself.. my mom exaggerates her role to such a degree that i do not believe it actually.. it will be an interesting experience though and one i am pretty curious about.. as much as thinkers say that we are all about the search for truth.. and meditation etc etc, there is a rational part of me which says we are all about producing the next generation and providing for them..

for while there are words and words on spirituality, the evidence in terms of action that the 6 billion people populating this earth has shown us is that, it could very well be all about producing the next generation.. it is interesting.. to be in search for truth (although jiddu says to search for anything is futile, as the result is a futile thing..) okay, let me rephrase.. it is interesting to be aware of the mechanisms of the world and to willingly take part in it, as if we had no choice.. the world does seem like a very real stage me.. with all the roles i have to play and take seriously (including paying taxes and abiding legal contracts of all kinds!).. i sometimes would like to go to a forest never to return to this reality.. what would happen then?

things to meditate on... (as thinking never really brings clarity! - courtesy jiddu :) )
hope you are all having as rocking a time as i am..
m

lesson of the moth..

i put a question on facebook - is it better to be cold and alive or burned and dead.. and my friend referred me this poem.. its incredible..


i was talking to a moth
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense

plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter
it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves

and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity

but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself

almost there..

to me how beautiful a person is a direct proportion of the way he/she makes me feel when I am with them..

what do you think? i wish people understood this meaning of the word and stopped worrying about how they looked..

similarly how powerful a person is a direct proportion of how powerless i feel in his/her presence..

so power is inherently nasty.. because you make the other person feel powerless..
another interesting thought.. wow, i am amazed at my own insights! just exploiting correlations and extracting causations here...

wisdom is a proportion of tolerance.. i cannot imagine a wise and impatient or intolerant person..

so all i need to achieve god-dom is to be tolerant of others and make them feel really good.. (makes me wonder if prostitutes feel this godliness.. hmmm.. food for thought) okay - that's not correct.. you cannot make others feel good always.. should not in fact.. somewhere you have to do the right things too.. - shit, its not so simple anymore.. for a second i thought i had it there.. because the question now is what is right? it is independent of how others feel right?

truth, where are you?

random pleasures..

truly.. that's ipod for you.. i typically plan the list of songs that i want to hear when i drive to and from office.. but somehow, the mode got changed to random.. though at first it was irritating, now i like it.. i will tell you why

the reason unlike some of my friends i do not listen to radio, is that I am a very mood focused person (as in very attuned to my moods).. songs bring up different moods for me based on when i used to hear them.. for instance, there are some songs that make me gleeful, because i used to song them with my sister, bastardize the lyrics and pain my mom.. some songs make me melancholy because i used to listen to it to console myself after a break up.. some songs remind me of someone because we discovered the song together.. some because i danced to it.. some because of shahrukh khan (of course, how can i miss him).. some because i like the technique of the singing.. some because of the voice of the singer.. and some because of the lyrics..

but when they are randomized, it's almost like a gift.. i dunno what to expect, but it's mostly always a good surprise.. because you see i love all my moods.. they are all my moods after all.. and very special to me...

so, try it.. random pleasures for free..

essay on doing what you love..

http://www.paulgraham.com/love.html

its pretty cool.. hard to find loopholes in the analysis..

the ilk of ignominious minions

okay.. am losing out in the tug of war between logic and emotion.. why the f**k is it always like this? logic says, go to the gym, you have to go to a friend's house tonight.. but the lull of the evening says.. why don't you let some steam out before you resume the run that's your life?

anyways.. my mom is always saying that i should become an author.. that i read too much.. (never more than 4 books a week).. that i am fluent etc etc.. i cannot imagine being lonely for the duration of writing a book.. and secondly i cannot imagine editing it! i write like the water flows in a tap (an american tap, i might add).. without hesitation.. or consideration for anyone but my own sensibilities..

ahhh... what should I do with my life.. why am i not able to shake this feeling that i am destined to do something for the larger good? and why is the path not clear.. and my character so weak? aren't people who do big things supposed to be larger than life? but i am such a coward in so many ways.. total type mismatch only.. waiting for the jigsaw to fall in place..

m

PS: don't wonder about the subject.. just some new words with a nicfe ring to it to break the pattern and spark some interest :)

Is cynism the limit of romanticism?

i was speaking to a friend of mine a few days ago.. now this friend is an old one and very perceptive.. so in the middle of our conversation, he said that my blogs follow a very predictable pattern.. and he analyzed every line of the previous post and gave me his objective (a favorite word of his) opinion.. i was amazed that even he knew nothing much about my personal life, he had deduced its dirty secrets.. i have been in a very thoughtful mood ever since..

one of the things he said was how writing about "unfulfillment" for lack of a real word, could be dangerous.. like it could be a vicious circle.. that i might write that because it is romantic and poetic.. but life can begin to suck if i started to think in that manner.. and i could not but admit the truth of his words.. i have been a slave of romance to the extent that i decided at some point that the only way i could survive was if i became a cynic and not allow myself to get hurt by my own extreme romanticism.. but i have paid a big price for my own misinterpretations of myself.. and sometimes i do fear that it continues to some extent even today, because it's almost become a habit now..

and he suggested i read Jiddu Krishnamurthy's "Commentaries on Life" - so, that's what i am going to do :) let's see if that helps..

having a great weekend i hope,
m

lonely planet..

ever wonder why one of the best travel books is called lonely planet? i have... its because when you travel, you are seldom alone, but almost always lonely.. pushed out of comfort zone.. its a huge plant with 6 billion people.. but many many millions of them lonely.. strange no?

i am person with an inordinate ability to cut to the core of things.. i am not boasting, because in many situations this is the exact opposite of diplomacy, which by now you might all know about me.. but what i like about this stuff about and what prevents me from changing (as if that would have been possible), okay, what makes me proud of it is when i engage in this level 5 conversation, i don't feel lonely anymore.. everything else, including talking about weather to my mother, or neighbors to my husband makes me feel lonely.. its like, i need to talk about what's high on your mind now, all the time!!

not sure if i am keeping it simple this way or not.. but it's funny, no?

did you know?

that the precursor to the industrial revolution was the clock - yes, it was when everyone could synchronize their time, that people could meet at a specific time and start work and finish etc.. pretty cool if you think about it..

flu mech

i have to rush to the gym.. but i can't resist this one.. when i was in iitm - i used to get pained on the day before exams.. mostly because all the girls will lock the door and not let anyone disturb them.. and i would go crazy with distraction.. so i used to end up doing all sorts of non-sense.. one of those exams that i remember very well, like it was y'day was this fluid mechanics class... i was finding it pretty difficult and pretty complicated.. and i was pained trying to mug it... (wah, i go back to iit times, and my lingo creeps in automatically!!!) so what i did was take up this challenge of learning the lyrics of this hindi song.. so, this was at a time, when i would not even "han" in hindi without blushing and feeling all self-conscious.. so it was a big ambition, since this song had peculiar lyrics that was almost a tongue twister for a non-native speaker.. of course, today when i listen to this song, i feel as comfortable as a fluent speaker can.. but on that particular night, i might have rewinded that tape (yes, those were the times of cassettes) some 50 times.. (yeah, no google, no laptop, no nothing - but rewind and re-listen!)

and that's how i sailed through fluid mechanics with a song on my lips :)

here is the song:

Kya kare kya na kare yeh sun lo mere bhai
Koi to bataa de iska Hal o mere bhaai
Ke ek taraf to us se pyaar kare hum
Aur usko inhe kahne se dare hum...

Roz roz hum, sochta yahin,
Aaj humko woh nazar mil jaye kahin,
To aisa bolega (saala) waisa bolega,
Khullam khulla us pe Dil ka raaz hum Kholega,
Woh saamne chamakti hai, saans hi atakti hai,
Aur yeh zabaan jaati hai fisal...

Koi badi baat nahin, Humein kahna tha jo bhi,
Woh to hum yoohin kahte magar,
Phir bhi kaha nahin,
wajah iski hai yahi,
Bas inkaar se hum ko tha dar..
Ab kahe ya na kahe, kahan kahe kab kahe,
Soch soch main hi woh gayi nikal...

m

regrets..

i should have never started to blog.. one way communication is actually so depressing really.. its pathetic.. like one of those bands that play in a romantic hotel where the couples are least interested in listening to the music.. i actually get depressed in such places because i become overly empathetic to the guy singing so soulfully.. and pathetically..

what is most pathetic is that by keeping it open, you think that it has the potential to reach billions of people - but the reality is, the probability that the potential is reached is a one in a billion - its more like the one person reading my blog doesn't even bother to respond.. how pathetic!! but if blogging is like speaking as if someone is listening to you, watching TV is worse.. its like listening as if someone is speaking to you... when they are not.. so i guess, blogging is better still than watching TV.. since you exercise your choice - you write about what you want to write about.. it clarifies your brain - rather than muddling it.. and you can actually get paid for it if enough number of people start reading it eventually... potentially that is (and we know how pathetic potential is)..

anyway, life's like that.. all you smart non-bloggers and avid blog readers..
many salutes..

m

twin obsessions: love and death..

as I have got at least 1 vote, saying that the person wants to know about me more than anything else, I have decided to humor him/her..

yesterday i went to the gym at six sharp to watch the day's news being ripped apart by rachel, only to note that she was not hosting it yesterday... the depth of my disappointment could only mean one thing: yes, i am deeply in love with rachel maddow :( now, this did bewilder me initially, esp after poring over her fan sites, I found that she is a lesbian.. but my soul mate (i do have one and it's a she) knowing me confirmed that i am very much a heterosexual, except when it comes to soul mating :)

that said - i want to cover a more serious topic in this post.. and its mostly because it's something i don't like to think about but want to.. death.. its such a funny thing.. as long as you are alive you really do not think about death.. its all about trivial pursuits.. i became sick a couple of months ago, and the doctor misdiagnosed and it became worse.. this weekend, I got really scared and i realized at that time one thing - that i stopped thinking about life - the usual things like do i look good, did i prepare for the meeting tomorrow, how is this movie.. i just wanted to think about myself and think about living again.. its like the fear of death is absorbs 100% mind share when it comes..

the good news, i think i will become alright now and soon - and looking it was such a minor condition that swelled disproportionately in my mind.. i wanted my parents to drop everything to be on phone with me all the time.. i wanted everyone around me to focus on me and what i was going through.. but they all found it so difficult, since they decided that it was a small affair and more importantly, they were living.. not contemplating death like me!!

this single minded obsession over dying put a lot of things in perspective and made me appreciate my job which gave me the flexibility to indulge myself in my fancy fears for sometime without having to go mad over the incompatible fears of making a presentation in time and my life and death issue. anyway, its a funny thing to go through.. and reminded me of the importance of providing a safe haven for the dying who can die in peace.. seems like it could be more important than living in peace..

as always, when I start the write, there are so many things that I could write about.. but will leave out some for the next one..

tc

maalika

yeh dooriyan...

i take it all back.. today i saw love aaj kal in the theatre. with the all important english subtitles.. i think the director has tried to tackle a difficult subject in a pretty natural way - at least as natural as it can get within the strappings of a hindi movie... the heroine went through a divorce!! my my are we setting precedents for bollywood and the indian culture as a whole..

but the most important part is that i have fallen in love with yeh dooriyan.. and thankfully saif ali khan has temporarily but completely displaced my dangerous crush on rachel maddow :)

maalika

Desi Junta Pardy

i have at last decided what I want to be.. my MBA has given me the tools that I needed to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.. it is simply a mapping of my skills and interests... so let us see.. my skills: ability to talk voluminously and eloquently, ability to modulate to various levels of animation while I am talking, ability to make my logic so convoluted that it always sounds right, produce the right emotions on my face while applying cold logic in my brain, high levels of imagination, short memory, ability to be optimistic in the face of shitty circumstances.. now, my interests: make a positive change to billions of lives in my lifetime, be known by one and all.. add to this mapping my low expectations from my personal life and high career ambitions.. and you get voila! the prime minister of india..

yes, I have decided that that's who i wanna be... and i have also decided to plan the rest of my life to meet my this holy goal.. while I was doing my first brainstorming session with my one true fan, we came up with the name for my party - DJP - yes, desi junta pardy.. it sounds sufficiently american to attract the aspiring young of india into my party and sufficiently indian and cliched that it appeals to the masses.. it highlights my experience in these two countries and makes it seem like i have the perfect answer to the merger between western and eastern ideals that india is struggling with right now..

i am actively seeking a spokesperson for my party.. remember that if I get elected,I will make sure that the country will never want for water, sun, roads, flowers, forests, poetry and music.. i will also strive to remove all visa requirements in the US for Indians... please sign by clicking the "Post a comment" link below :)

have a good weekend,
maalika

tamil kuch khaas hai..

anyone who knows me knows that i am a near tamil fanatic.. not because I am a stud in it, but because it is my mother tongue.. and i am able to appreciate it in ways that i cannot appreciate any other language.. in fact i have not even learned tamil in school.. all that i know is sheerly by listening to songs, reading novels etc.. one day i was generally doing some research on the subject and I found that tamil was one of the original branches of the nostratic languages. I was so impressed by it that I thought i will brag in my blog about it.. so please see the visual where i have explained the major language clusters and how tamil has its unique pride of place in the original branch... no wonder i love tamil more than other languages!! :)

anyways coming back to me (it's always me, isn't it?) i am listening these days to this really lovely song called kuch khaas hai from a hindi movie called fashion. it's an amazing song- and as i was driving back home wondering why i found it so amazing, i realized that it was mostly due to the many shaayads in the song.. what a relief after all the triumphant declarations of love that i am used to in indian songs, to hear for the first time, uncertainty! my only heartfelt wish is that I understood the song.. it just has too many beautiful rhyming words that i simply cannot understand.. which holds its magic for me.. for i would probably stop listening to it once i have tasted the song in all my moody palettes.. but it's also frustrating trying to put my own meaning to these words and seeing how it feels to me.. like does ikraar mean restlessness? it fits... khumaar means helplessness? desire? man.. anyway.. lovely song.. listen to it..

maalika

a comprehensive essay on the purpose of life :)

i have always been confused between indulgence and renunciation... i read gandhi's experiments with truth recently, and got so inspired and so confused at the same time.. because so clearly his path was not for everyone.. in fact so few people can follow it that it's hardly attractive.. he cuts his own hair, makes his own cloth, teaches his kids himself.. does agriculture.. etc etc.. he emphasized renunciation to the extreme.. just imagine a world full of it.. what is the use of being social? we could still live in the forests alone doing everything ourselves??

at the same time, indulgance makes me equally unhappy.. america is a land made for indulgance.. everyone has their own car, house, everything (except good medical insurance of course, but that's beside the point..).. and it's strangely unsatisfying, as i said in my previous blog on the bay area, what is missing is crowd and disorder and noise.. it's eerily perfect and hence not perfect enough.. its like if you keep eating what you like best everyday, you no longer want it anymore.. so we need something to restrain us from what we want, so that we can be happy in our life..

in this circular loop of wanting and not being able to achieve and achieving satisfaction in that loop... it's so weird.. like everyone's wants to get married.. and once they are married they want to be single.. then they want kids.. then they want them to grow up fast.. when they have grown they want them to be young again.. its ridiculous..still we all go through this cycle.. what is the solution to this? surrender desire and become buddha? that would be too much renunciation no?

anyways.. this morning i woke, read a novel till i realized that I will surely be 5 minutes late to my office atleast.. and then rushed through getting ready.. then ate my favorite breakfast and listened to music i love on the ride to my office which I love again.. basically i have been just indulging my senses.. yet when I saw this video on afghanistan and gaza on cnn last night on children living without hope or future or education or recreation, I hated my life to the core... at all the luxuries that I had that these darling kids around the world did not... it's SO GROSS.. SO SELFISH...

so what is life? what do I want to do? I always wanted to make it big in my life so that I can help as many people as I could... i worked hard.. and the end of a day of hard work, I was satisfied that I have earned my place in this world.. is that enough.. wanting to make it big so that you can help people? or should I just drop everything and rush to these kids in gaza (or trichy for that matter) and help them the best I can TODAY? i have been praying to god for answers and indulging myself in the meanwhile (so so selfish).. so friends, maybe you can help me?

have a good weekend, love,
m

ode to the bay..

i realized that having lived nearly 2 years in the bay area, i have not written a single entry praising the beauty of this place... actually i was so busy working that i never did have the time.. but these days i do have the time to do things, to think (which is not always a good idea as far as i go..) so i thought i will try and describe my trip to and from office.. i travel east in the morning and west in the evening.. its god's way of giving me the small pleasures of life :-)

i leave early morning to work.. most days the sun would have been up for barely an hour.. and clouds would not have parted.. i play some loud ar rahman songs.. so loud that i feel that the drums are beating in my heart.. and i can hear every tiny nuance of his music.. and then i like to think that i am driving a ferrari and not a practical honda civic.. with these thoughts i start my day with a quick prayer to the ganesha sitting contentedly on my dashboard.. as i start tackling 101 and then transition 237, there is always a moment when I am taken by the beauty of the scene ahead of me...

the mountain range ahead is hardly visible in the mist... but when I climb those curvy ups of 237, i can see them clearly with a thick blanket of clouds over them... in some areas the sun streams though and you can see the rays clearly... even though its the a/c in my car, i feel the air is crisp and fresh and i feel so exhilerated that i don't want to reach my destination anymore.. and all the while i am tearing past the roads overtaking everyone and tapping my steering wheel restlessly for the signal to turn green.. still i don't wanna reach.. just want this trip to go on and on and on...

and when i return.. after my daily gym session, feeling refreshed with wet hair and an aluminum bottle of cold water in one hand.. the view changes altogether.. by this (the sun sets at 8.30 pm, and i typically drive out by 7.45 or so..) time, the bay area has recieved a thorough beating from the harsh afternoon sun... this is another topic by itself.. i come from trichy.. a very very hot place.. but it does not compare to the sheer blazing brightness of the bay area.. its highly irritating..

but in the evening.. the sun pure molten iron.. believe i almost feel like i wanna dip my finger into the sun and come away with the florescent gold lava dripping from it.. its breathtaking.. with my sun glasses and the screen drawn in front of my eyes, i get almost blinded... but the scenery so coincides with my body.. tired and yearning for my soft bed..

bay area is one of the world's best places to live.. with the mountains, ocean, forests, deserts and its quicksilver weather.. it's one unpredictable place.. seriously i am not kidding.. you should travel here if you haven't.. have a great weekend..

maalika

PS: the only thing it lacks is lots of people.. crowds of them.. its so good that you get bored of it too easily.. a bombay like metro with jostling crowds would be delightful!!

frequency...

I have already been asked by a couple of friends about why my blogging frequency has increased all of a sudden.. it's simple.. i have started working.. as creative as work is, it simply is not enough to catch up with my racing mind that needs an outlet.. mba had a way of sucking up all my creativity. now that i think about it, the last time i wrote a bunch of blogs was during my summer internships.. another reason is the time for reflection that you get at the end of your work day: when everyone has left, and you are sitting alone vacillating between going home into reality and staying on a few more minutes to pour all your heart out into a short entry and feel truly energized.. it's great.. my only only wish is that my posts are funny..

i consider myself a humorous person with a very high capacity to see the lighter side of things.. but still when i sit to write these stupid blogs, i become all melancholy reflection and i hate it.. i was just reading a bunch of old entries written 5 years ago by some of my classmates.. (i was an avid blog reader then) and they were so funny and light that i suddenly realized that all of that levity was gone from my entries.. although in life, i really am still very light-headed... much to the consternation of those around me..

but oh well.. i will try and do my best to keep things happy.. the key is to keep the poor reader in mind.. i wouldn't want you to feel sad after visiting my blog.. you will probably stop visiting it and then what is left for me is to just go home instead of spending this extra 15 minutes in my office trying to entertain and engage you.. i am sorry if this post sorta bored you.. it's still a change in the tone of my blog..

tons and tons of love,
m

ms subbulakshmi, meera bai and jane austen..

for those who do not know her magical voice.. listen to this meera's song to lord krishna.. you do not need to understand the lyrics.. just her voice and her eyes convey the depth of yearning for her lord.. one of my all time favorites..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCiqqFVY4Xw

i wrote this short post this morning and it ended with the link.. but the whole day i have been preoccupied with this song and its meaning.. and in the futility of meera's love much like anyone else's.. her krishna is a figment of her own imagination.. and yet she loves him to the exclusion of all else.. the mythological idealization of her character reminded of me of a beautiful sentence from jane austen's novel persuasion.. towards the end the heroine who would have jilted her boyfriend thinking she deserved better, after 7 years realizes that she still has a chance at winning him and tells him in a conversation: "all the privilege I claim for my own sex (it is not a very enviable one, you need not covet it), is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone.."

i was struck by the fact that loving when all hope is gone is described by jane austen as a feminine trait.. food for thought?

wuthering heights..

a long time ago, when i was still barely a teenager, I read a book called wuthering heights.. for those who know about this book, it is one of those rare dark classics and what is even more of a rarity - it was written by a woman (charlotte bronte), and no less than someone who was the sister of fellow author (emily bronte) of Jane eyre - another one of my favorite classics.. i used to read these classics in my uncle's home as my aunt was a lit major and they had tonnes of great books.. but i was always drawn to the tragedies.. two of my other favorites were pot of basil and silas marner.. all three i read in that same year when I was maybe 12 yrs old..

so, anyways.. i recently got this movie on netflix and saw it.. and there is this one statement which the heroine (cathy) makes to her maid which forms the crux of the novel "it would be degrading to marry him (heathcliff)... blah blah blah.. he is me, and i am him".. the hero just hears the degrading part and leaves never to return until she is married to someone else.. at that time i was fascinated by this thought... while I understood marriage at that time as being with the person you love.. to think that two people could be so like minded and united that a marriage would be superfluous and unnecessary was weird.. but she does have a relatively mellow marriage that suits her passionate character in a weird sort of way.. anyway, i never remembered the particulars of the story.. and recently i saw the movie and realized that she was not so happy and that she died so early because of the mistakes she and heathcliff make in their lives..

anyways.. its a great movie totally watchable - cathy played by juliette binoche.. and i still identify with the character of the heroine very very much.. how many small decisions make our life what it is! but whatever be the course our life takes, it seems to me that there is always a part of it that is worth cherishing and a part of it that will always be filled with regret...

Life is brief..

Life is brief..
fall in Love, maidens,
before the crimson bloom,
fades from your lips..
before the tides of passion
cool within you..
for those of you
who know no tomorrow...

Life is brief,
fall in love, maidens,
before your raven tresses,
begin to fade..
before the flames in your heart,
flicker and die..
for those to whom,
today will never return...

Akira Kurusawa,
from Ikiru

my experiments with truth..

hi all.. i am reading "the story of my experiments with truth" by m.k. gandhi.. it's so powerful, it has almost become like a bible to me.. and of the things i realized then is how gandhi manages to be so public when it is so tough..

so, i have decided that to the best of my abilities i am going to share the stories of my dabbling with truth and see if that helps me uphold my principles... or even expand it.. and the other thing i decided is to be open and honest, without of course intruding on the privacy of the people i interact with (not an iota).. this is going to be so much fun... and i am already excited in anticipation!!

see you guys soon...

happiness..

for some reason.. i feel like happiness eludes me.. maybe its because i think too much and to be happy, you really need to stop thinking and only feel things..

maybe I should just start caring about me.. as one of my close friends once told me "what do you want?" i just think over the last 5 years, i have just stopped thinking about what i wanted... which is wrong... how will i ever be happy if i stopped thinking about myself.. but i am reading "my india" right now, and there every heart wrenching story of selflessness was all about people who did not exist for themselves at all.. it was family and society.. i pray to god to give me that hope.. that joy of sharing...

Private space

hi guys,

Thanks for your interest first of all in our private network. The website is under construction currently, and we will be releasing it in a month or so. If you want, you can mail me at maalika@gmail.com and you will be one of the first users of privatespaceoneline.com

Just to give you a brief insight into what privatespaceonline, it is a private networking tool, that gives you complete control. You might ask, how is this different from email? The only difference is that, this tool is designed for enabling networking, while email is desisned for communicating. This tool has an interface similar to a social network, but works like an email in terms affording you a high level of control and security. If you like this idea, either comment on this blog/leave an email at maalika@gmail.com/write a post on facebook wall/leave a scrap on my orkut account/or follow my tweets

thank you,
maalika